I felt a shake and the foundation fell out on the world.  That everyone was good or had good intentions was an ideal of the past, that everyone is selfish and everyone wants to be loved is the truth.  That we are lazy and getting lazier is another truth.  That we are afraid and so we do nothing is the catalyst that will destroy our world, and that fear of mine drives me to do nothing.  We've always been afraid of our own death and the death of the world terrifies us.  It had to end at some point, just like our lives, I wonder if the dinosaurs ever realized the same thing.  I wonder if  any animal besides us contemplates their own death, and if we are happier because we know it's coming, even if some of us spend a good part of our lives studiously ignoring it.  I've been let down.  Even the best of us our subject to odds, and even the best odds are beaten sometimes.  You can be smart and driven and still lose because you never knew the nature of the game you were in or it just didn't go the way you planned.  I'm confused why we continue planning and planning and insuring and insuring when time and time again our plans are foiled distorted or aren't what we had hoped for.  Can we ever gain money through insuring everything?
If I'm going insane how do I stop the spiral, I have everything I need to be happy, I look to the world, I look to people and i feel jaded, depressed, I don't see the point.  I can't find enjoyment anymore and I don't know where to look, I feel trapped and I'm not even sure of the nets material.  I want something, but know that I have everything at my fingertips, what more could I ask for? tears.  I wish I could cry and get this overwhelming anxiety out of my stomach, this fear.  What happened to me, where did all this come from?  Am I just enjoying complaining?  How do I get out of this?  I guess the first step is to get out of the house.